All alone

Hey, cold showers should also help a bit for depression. I'm not going to test that theory, but I could see that helping a little.
As for random thoughts....do they serve a purpose for you?
When looking back on such I'd say they haven't done much good for me when I've done so.

The world is a hot mess

My mom scrapped her leg and it was getting infected, which is dangerous at her age. That healed but then my dad fell and cracked a vertebre and is in a lot of pain. I think about them a lot and what they will do in their old age taking care of a big house, and I started thinking about how they were going to plow the drive if it snows again. All of this got me to thinking its better to take yourself out of life than to be disabled to where you cant take care of yourself, and I started to have suicidal thoughts and felt really close to making an attempt.

You might think this is silly, but I am so weak now that these things make me suicidal. It was very painful going through it and I finally thought about some friends that are going through hardships and I thought "If they can endure, so can I", and so I laid down and fell asleep. I woke up a couple hours later feeling better, thats when I realized how painful it was to be suicidal. Now I think "How can you get so bad, these arent even your problems". I dont know what to say, I have no control over it. Im only 50 and even though Ive suffered a lot, Im still mobile and relatively healthy, and wont face truly disabling things for another 30 years. I cant believe that I was in so much pain that I thought about taking my life.

Well, I think I am about as well as I am going to get. I still have symptoms but my depression is low and Im not psychotic. I have to remind myself that life is slow and quiet but if I were working it would be loud and fast, and I cant handle that. I still dont have access to a lot of my minds abilities and its hard to sit in nothingness sometimes, but I still dont like to do anything. Its not depression, its the effect of being depressed for so long. Maybe in the Spring things will be different, otherwise I am just sort of waiting to die, but not in an impending doom kind of way; in a life is quiet and then it ends kind of way.

Maybe this can give you some shine to your day whenever you decide to listen to it.

Im also not in pain anymore. The depression was painful, and Im glad not to be in it. This is boring but idk what else to do with myself.

Lately I have been having good days. Im not feeling joy or happiness really, but Im not in pain, and the days go by rather smoothly. Now that I feel better I cant believe what Ive been through. Ive become very sensitive to pain and Im very fragile. Today for no reason I found myself in despair. I suppose this happens to everyone, but for me it was very noticeable. Im so exhausted that I immediately turn to thoughts of suicide when things go badly. I honestly worry about my strength because I just cant tolerate much nowadays. What if I were to have something disable me further? What if I got really sick? Would I take my own life? I still pray that I will die, so Im probably depressed. Im going to check for anti depressants next month but I have a feeling that they wont change me much. When things go bad I wind up in bed for days. I cant hold a job in this condition. Im also nearly useless for anything, and my parents need me. I pray nothing serious takes away my mobility or health, and that if it does happen, that it kills me, because I am so tired of being alive. My life isnt hard but I am just so exhausted from my mental struggles that I have no life left. I tell myself people have it worse than me, I tell myself that the unknown questions I have about how I got sick are never going to be answered and I shouldnt let that worry me, and for the most part I have conquered those worries, thankfully. If I keep my thoughts low and stay slow and silent I dont think I will get psychotic again, but you never know, it could happen, especially if I went off my meds, which I wont.