Ive been asking myself how I feel lately, after having undergone another psychosis that left me depleted. I ask, because of my pain level; do you want to live? At first I thought "Only about 1/3rd of me wants to die" but then I thought that's too much, so I lowered it to 1/4th. Then I thought about it some more and I realized half of me wants to die. I feel that Ive lived long enough, been through enough, have nothing left to do, and so, it would be ok to die. Im also in pain, and that raises the level a little higher. I wont say "I just want to die" because I don't just want to die, but Im not sure I want to do much at all. I have few joys and no loves. All Im doing is waiting for someone to come so I can give my love to them.
Having a massive psychotic break is hard. Is it real? It certainly looks real, how do I know? I have to believe some of it is based in reality, because some of it is true, and some of what I foretell comes to pass. A psychotic break can last months, and in that time I witness many things, until it all becomes too much to process, and it turns into pain and confusion and terror. Then when it releases me, I have to spend months sorting through what I saw, denouncing it, proving to myself that it was just my imagination. Otherwise, I run the risk of believing it, and acting on it, and it happening again. This is exhausting.
Ive been feeling pretty good the last few days. I practice having no thought and while its boring, its peaceful, and keeps my head clear. I find that I cant read books or watch television, and I don't listen to and enjoy music like I once did. Im a member of philosophical forums and I just scroll over most of it because its rubbish.
I'm not denying your illness has ailments, I wonder if lack of sun, fresh air, an eclipse, moon, lack of vitamins etc etc also play a role. Little things can be significant too. I imagine eating pizza for a whole weekend probably isnt going to be too great for the body. Where's the vitamin C, D, B6 B12, K, A etc and minerals? Not directed at you mskied. Just thinking since naiwen seems to only eat pizza 3 days a week. Magnesium is mandatory for me. Not dr orders either. Just something I added since my digestive system seems to be paralyzed at times (another chemo side effect for the rest of my life) if I dont take it, my entire body is effected to the point of every part of me hurts and I'd prefer not to move my body. It's interesting to figure out what foods stir up problems too. That's been difficult to figure out though.
I realize I have three kinds of pain. The psychological pain is great, but it doesnt flare up that much, only when memories of what Ive been through come to head. When it happens, it lessens my strength of Will, which is the other kind of pain I have. My strength of Will is so weak that I often find myself just wanting to die, or thinking how Ive had to give up on life in order to stay stable. This kind of emotion is constant, rising up for awhile every hour. The third kind of pain is physical, and it rises every couple hours and sometimes doesnt go away. Its not as great as it has been, but as I said, I am so weak that it drains my strength.