If there is any take-away from my initiation into the occult, it is my realization that, though there might be some people that are true prophets, I have to act as though all Gods are man made and tailored to the individual. When it comes to a person explaining God, the only measure we have to decide if they are speaking truth is if it makes sense to us that this is how God thinks about things. God is above and beyond, potentially omniscient, and should have logic when it comes to how things should go. Therefore, a person explaining God will have the best answer for the nature of things and the expectations of outcomes for our actions. I am someone that has ideas, and I have witnessed that there is a God, but I truly cannot say that much was revealed to me, other than these facts I state. I truly believe when it comes to knowing God, it is up to the individual to find what makes the most sense. Often what makes sense to one wont make sense to another, and so we each really have our own individual God. Even students of a discipleship will disagree on the teachings of their prophet, and it would be a difficult task to be by the book in regards to what their God wants us to be and to do. Not only does everyone have their own personal God, but they have their own personal method, which brings it all back to the key to initiation, which is the concept of Chaos- for truly, all of this is fundamentally chaotic in its variation.
The True God is unknown to me. I do not know His desires, his motives, the reasons for His methods, what He wants or expects. I suspect that He is both light and dark, Chaos and Order, Good and Evil- and that He has plans within plans, and all of this is to suit His ends.
Life is a matter of duty and desire. It is also a matter of passing time, and chance. It is about creativity and enjoyment. It is about curiosity and learning, and denouncing what we learn. It is about choice, and what is best for us individually, and collectively. It is about the tender moments of trust and comfort, and being scared out of our wits by challenges. It is ever climbing the hill and resting on top, only to go back down and find another hill, unless we have decided we are done walking.
There is a finite amount of things to experience, but it grows with every innovation and discovery. If you could do it all, you would still be unique in the way you reacted to them, for the pattern of action and reaction is too vast to narrow to a number of people to say that there is an absolute way to respond. Everyone is unique- we all react in our own way based on the culmination of our understanding, and our expression of our understanding makes us even more unique. This is a constant, expanding Universe.
It was 20 years ago that I was dethroned and sent to the Abyss. The demons came almost immediately to devour me. Those first years were Hell, but nothing compared with what was to come. I tried many times to rise, and every time I was afflicted with madness. In the first decade, when I fell to the madness and went to the hospital, the demons let me alone, until I tried to rise again. I wasn't really certain what was happening, and so there were some pauses between my attempts. In those days, being powerless, I wandered and observed. I had no influence on the outcome of my reality, just living and eating and sleeping and letting others lead me. It was a wasteland of attempts to gain control. Then, about three years ago, after having been sent to the hospital by demons nearly a dozen times, I got out and declared that I would conquer this. I fought very hard to fight the madness, and was sent to the hospital three more times before I finally found my feet. The demons said I knew enough, and withdrew. Now I am left in quiet, my mind nearly totally in ruin, my life in total ruin, my body wasted. Ive learned that when it comes to the actions of mankind it is mostly opinion, the only objective truth being property and personal liberty. There is Natures truth which is objective, and seemingly not concerned with us; we simply mold our lives around Her. Other than that, it is the Law of the strong that prevails. Those with the power, wealth, knowledge and beauty dictate the rules, and we loosely control what they produce and offer back to us. I went into the Abyss seeking the answer to why love doesn't prevail always, and learned that when it comes to human interaction, it is either love or business that brings us together, and business doesn't always bend to love. Is the Law Do What Thou Wilt? No, but in this Law there is truth- the truth that will bring us more innovation, and more opportunity than we can imagine. What is your calling? Invest, practice, dabble and experiment, for in turning your sculpture round, you will see new light of idea.
I started taking more medicine and Im not feeling destroyed anymore. Its weird to adjust to, because it was so easy (though not fun) to just lay in bed. Now Im awake and I don't have anything to do. Im thinking I will start reading again, though Im sort of afraid to- in the past when I start feeling good I push myself and then I break again, I don't want this to happen again- I cant have it happen, actually, because after the last bout of hallucinations I have become very weak- though now I am feeling stronger. I just know that if I descend again, it will kill me.
The Serpent of Wisdom walked me into a grove of trees.
"This is a place of Wisdom" it said.
"Tell me what I see" I replied.
"It pointed to a tree with a rabbi sitting beneath it "That is the Tree of Life".
Then it pointed to a tree with a magician sitting beneath it "That is the tree of Chaos and Order"
"My kin sits beneath the tree of Knowledge" it pointed towards a rather well develped tree of great strength.
Then it pointed over to a tree sitting a bit farther away from the others "That is the Bodhi Tree, it is the tree of Desire".
I walked first up to the Tree of Life, because I was raised Christian and wanted to understand the Wisdom of the Rabbis.
"Tell me what you know" I asked.
The rabbi smiled and said "Life is about beauty and strength, and the Wisdom to attain what life holds for us and enjoy this place of wonder"
Then I went to the Tree of Knowledge, apprehensive because of its rumored dangers. "What truth do you tell wise one?" I asked.
The Serpent smiled and said "What is good? If it isnt good for all, it is flawed." It frowned and said "I dont understand the Rabbis with their opinions on beauty, how can suffering be beautiful unless it brings you to your knees begging for mercy? They think they know the good, but they only know what is good for them, go ask the magicians".
I went to the magicians and asked "Why are the Rabbis wrong?" The magician sneered at the rabbi sitting happily "Because no one thing can satisfy all people. It is we who have learned from the Tree of Knowledge, ours is the greatest truth."
"And what is the greatest truth?" I asked.
"Chaos is necessary for the growth and appreciation of life. In it all things are renewed".
I thanked the magician and turned to depart, but the serpent from the Tree of Knowledge came to me. "You have not learned the greatest secret. Do you not care about causing suffering? Go learn from the Buddha."
I walked up to the Buddha, confident that I had attained enlightenment. The Buddha gazed at me with sympathy. "Do you feel empowered now?" He asked. I said "Yes, I see that in order for life to move about and grow, Chaos is a necessary element."
He looked down and a tear fell from his eye. "An enlightened soul understands, suffering is an Evil, and in Chaos there is great suffering."
I searched my heart and knew he spoke truth, I did not want to harm people. "Tell me what I must do wise man".
"You must give up Desire".
And so I decided to sit under his tree and consider what I had learned.