The World is Duty and Desire. Duty to ourselves is to see that we get what we Desire, Duty to others is the Desire to aid them in their needs. Because we want, generosity is key in keeping things peaceful and orderly, for the efforts to attain can bring Chaotic and possibly unlawful action. We need to educate with Wisdom, and we do this with Kindness, for in violence we cause depression and thoughts of revenge, or flight. Community is the goal- a harmonious union of souls as we generate a peaceful and prosperous society.
I wish I could explain it all. I wish anyone cared to listen. Ive lived a mythological/biblical life. How? Well when you hear the voice of a God, and then the things that occur after happen, it is just how it is. I wish people wanted to hear my story. I wish I could use this for the betterment of all people, but I realize that it falls a little short, that people don't want to hear or believe, and that people will ultimately do what they want to do regardless of what I reveal. Its very isolating, and nagging.
Some people would be envious of my life, though personally I cant see why. I used to think that "Hey, you heard a God speak, you know what life is, you understand science" but then I look at my daily reality: loss of my greatest love, loss of my want to use my true talent, a path that I was on that took years to nurture. Lack of seeing where that life would have gone. Loss of future love, loss of power, loss of pleasure- its a monks life. I have very little, I eat little more than rice and potatoes, I sit quietly, for if I am too active in my mind the demons come- I don't know their motives, I don't know anything of what they do with my thoughts other than torture them- no promises of a future, only daily suffering. I went along with it for years because I had believed I would do something creative or active with what I learned, but then I realized that my learning was the last thing they wanted, and so I fought, I fought hard- to learn, and when I finally learned what I needed to know, I had to stop using my mind, because they were using it for whatever they wanted, which wasn't any of my goals.
I sit, well sleep, mostly- quietly. Some people tired of work and life problems would say they are jealous, and all I can say is, I am jealous of you- you have the opportunity, wealth and ability to make life what you desire, and you haven't had to witness to the hell that I have, a hell that would destroy the faith of any religious person. I have no hope, and I have no faith- I was given no promises, and it is for that reason that I must silence my mind, because I don't work for free anymore- One day, perhaps not too far off, I will have mastered the art of keeping my mind silent while being able to create with what I have earned from my fighting the demon, but for now, its a quiet and often lonely and uncomfortable place. For someone that was once so full of life and imagination, I cant tell you how this is killing me, but better this than the constant assault of voices and hallucination.
My thoughts are all disjointed. Nothing fits together. None of it makes sense. Its hard to type this. Its days like this where all I can do is sit here and be sick, and wait until I come back to my senses.
What makes this so terrible is that I am convinced that there is a reason for my illness- some God ordered purpose. Ive fought to define this, then Ive tried to denounce it. In there end there is no reason good enough for this to have happened, and so I accept that I am just sick. This is really really hard to do. I hate laying here. I hate feeling like this. I hate that I cant walk or think or sleep when this happens. I don't mind the obsession of meaning, that gives me purpose, and mankind wants certainty. But nothing is certain, and so we must submit to its relative meaning, and meaninglessness.
Feeling better now. Can sit silently again. Thoughts not intrusive, can walk again normally. Too cold to go anywhere though. Hard to sit silently, but not because of anxiety, just wanting to do something, but cant, because mind must be still.
Having slept most of the day after taking a lot of medication, I am awake now. I feel clear and rested, and Im willing to stay awake for awhile. Im having some clarity about how I got into this situation. When I was 20 I went into the world and felt unprepared to understand it, so I chose to define my world view according to what I thought the world was. I built my perspective accordingly, and found my feet. I was fine, finally, and doing well. Then the Gods chose to contact me by presenting a symbol, and I started researching symbolism and occult philosophy. The first book I found told me when you receive a symbol you are supposed to unpack it and make as many symbols out of the parts as you can, and as I did this, my world view started to unravel and I realized that I might have built it out of the wrong materials. Then I was shown a vision of a Moslem women and realized that I was frightfully ignorant of a lot of things. I declared something to God and God spoke- not in English. And this caused me to go on a quest. I started to predict a lot of things which came true, world changing things. This made me speculate in grand ways. I then stumbled into the Kabbalah and my mind broke open, and the demons came. For 20 years I have been afflicted by hallucinations, some of them real and some of my own minds creation, and Ive had to pick through them all to reform my world view. It wasn't until the last four years that I really made any headway.
So what am I saying to you? These occult rites are about forming your world view, and finding your strength and understanding. This can be done safely, but for me, it was a command from God and I had to take on armies of voices and images to fight for my understanding. Its been terribly unfair. I have been distracted and abused by demons. I would recommend caution if you try these things.
Im sitting in a place of understanding, more or less. I recognize that these systems are all about want and action. Getting what I want and whether it is a just method of doing so. That is Wisdom. That is what all philosophy is. Its opinion on how to go about this. This might seem obvious but I used to take these things very seriously- like all Wisdom was literally the word of God, and in some ways it is- for we are all speaking on behalf of God. But really, its just opinion.
I am grateful for the quiet. Having to imagine the Universe and worldly affairs from the wreckage of your previous Universe while fighting hallucinations and ideas that you've never considered before has taken a terrible toll, and its times like these where I can only embrace nothingness and accept that I am sick, and can do nothing. Its very hard to sit. I tried working but got sick, I tried going back to school and got sick. Sometimes all a sick person can do is exist in their illness.
Im sure Im not the first mystic-philosopher that met the God of kindness and pled for mercy on this world. Its nearly impossible for this reality to be kindness based, and certainly difficult for it to be peaceable. Im moving forward now, this God and I agree; it isn't meant to be here. So what do I promote in my life now? I am saddened by the outcome of this journey.
Thanks. Im getting more settled in to a "normal" way of life. Im so slow now. Very slow. I spend all my time trying to stay quiet and be content with the silence. I push my mind to think until I remember that I have to stop and then I sit in quiet. I cant read. I don't like noise. Motion and volume is painful to me. I used to listen to music all day long now I cant. I feel well enough that I think I should try to work again but then I remember what happens when Im around a bunch of stimulus. I find myself reminding myself that I have invented nothing new and that things are already being taken care of.
My life is like this: I find myself shocked and horrified by what Ive been through, and I reach out to call someone, and then stop myself. Theres nothing anyone can do. Nothing will return me to me, all these lost years. There are no arms to hug it away. Trying to suck it up, and then remember how easily it falls apart, and silence myself. Im afraid. I cant go through another bout of illness, cant get to the point of hospital again. Im not strong enough.
Don't take this the wrong way. Something has to got to give you some goddamn pep in your step. Maybe you need to eat healthy too? Or you are just bullshitting us all here. There are people who are hanging on to their lives by a damn thread and still somehow find a way to keep living (I was one) Do you use prescription drugs?
I take medication. This has been going on for 20 years. The last five of which have been constant Hell. The only thing that kept me alive was my belief that there was a good reason for my illness. I actually don't know how I endured all the madness. I believed that it had a cause that would benefit me and us somehow. My delusions and hallucinations were grand, and when they settle down it takes months of reflection to process them. Recently Ive realized how delusional I actually was, and that is when the sadness comes; for I have been completely insane. Im getting better day by day now, but Ive gotten better in the past, and something always comes along and causes me to go insane again. Ive gotten to the point of not being able to manage about a dozen times. When this happens I spend long months in bed healing. This is not a broken arm, or something temporary that you recover from and forget about, its a constant, persistent illness that prevents me from doing healthy things, and its lasted 20 years- so my fortitude is depleted. Its like being raped all day, for months, sometimes years, and being yelled at the whole time.