Todays journal

Im sitting in my little room, a cell, really. My little one room apartment with no stove or kitchen sink. I sit here with very little, and I have a mind that has travelled around the philosophical spectrums so many times Ive had to get a new passport over and over. Even with all that I have contemplated, I am a reductionist, so I carry very little ideas, and since it is mostly ideas that I travel in, I have little Wisdom- for I do not sit and speculate on knowledge long enough to prove it, I keep searching for Truth.

And what have I found in all this seeking? I have found evidence of Truth for human life, Truth in the Divine Realm, Truth in my self. I have witnessed impossible and magical things that I have fought to define, and I have come to realize that human life needs to become what it believes itself to be- and that the Gods will watch what we declare, and above many of their other wants, they want us to be what we believe. Should we not, then we mislead, and when we mislead, Wisdom and knowledge suffers, and that is why the Gods will take action against hypocrisy- for there is no more need to call for justice than a person that fails to be what they present themselves as.

I am sitting here in a weakened state, having fought the Demons of Hell and survived, I thought I would bring back the stolen fruits from the Heavens, but I am sitting here exhausted, for I have no more strength or Desire to fight Gods, or to educate Man. I have decided to be a quiet voice in the corners, and let the others champion their Truth, and be the target for greater recognition and wealth. My youth has been spent, and I am now one of the aged, and infirmed. Do What Thou Wilt.

Your search for truth is taking away enjoying life it seems.

As you probably know from my posts, I have a mental illness. Its not just that my mind is sick, but my thinking is off- which is par for my life, and I think most people feel this way from time to time when they consider their choices and actions. For me it began when I was young, I didn't understand Law, and committed petty crimes, which in itself is insane, apparently, because Law is supposed to be sensible, right? Well that could be overcome with time, but what really stood out in my mind was how I reacted to being punished for my crime. Thoughts in my head were telling me- and I know this sounds weird- those were your thoughts! You might say, but for a child of 7 years old, these were not "my" thoughts, I believe that spirits put thoughts in our head, especially when we are little- that create who we are. These thoughts convinced me that being punished wasn't just, for a child. So when I was punished, I became angry and started to hate authority- which contributed to my lawlessness, and my failing to learn how to acclimate to society. That was the background, but what stands out to me today was my anger, and my flippant reaction to everyone- everyone was a liar, and an enemy, and unjust. This was all terribly misguided, but in some sense these ideas are true; there is injustice to watch for, but in my case, it really wasn't well founded.

So I had emotional problems that caused me to say things that were not very kind, which is a sort of madness, because these people were not the enemy directly; people were not that mean to me, and I had a lot of chances. I failed to get an education because of this, and my emotional state was very dark, and I took it out on society. I was wrong, I know now, and I learned that because a friend was taken from the world just after high school- which made me look into myself and see my wickedness. I changed, and started to think and be more loving.

Around 21 I declared that I didn't know right from wrong. I did, but I didn't believe what I knew, so I set out to know. This is when the first strange mystical thing happened to me: I chanted a word and tried to meditate, and my chakras aligned. We didn't know much about chakras back then, and the words in the books were sketchy at best- Indian people have more knowledge and experience with these. This made me doubt reality, and information- which I had already chosen to do.

I was still a depressive person to some degree, but I straightened myself out and was finally, at age 26, able to hold steady work. So here you have a person that couldn't learn in school, doubted reality and Wisdom, and wasn't able to work full time. It took a lot of doing, and a bit of thought- to get there, but I got there, and I was never happier with my life.

I still pursued my mystical doubt of reality but never studied philosophy, or any real spiritual tradition. If I had, I probably would have had a pretty creative mind, more so than I already had. I might have become a little strange, and I don't think I would have come to the sanity that I have now from this stuff- probably would be casting witchy spells and calling on gods- something I understand, but do not do.

So I just said I had sanity, well, that is true and false. I am very rational, but I have this wall that outside of it, which sometimes gets inside- is madness. It gets inside because I am invaded by spirits and aliens, and voices and hallucinations- and this is why I am recognized as mentally ill. These things are beyond my control, but I fight every day to control them. Because of them, I have spun into total madness. Im actually quite proud of my ability to tolerate this, and though I have been afflicted with this condition for 20 years, it was only recently that I went completely out of bounds with insanity. I actually have proven to be a very strong person, though lately I admit to these Gods that I am now too weak to tolerate them. One of my more insane periods actually liberated me from them. The first really maddening period happened in 2012, when whatever demon was ruthless, relentless, and torturous- more than ever before, and its been pretty bad. They were relentless, and there was no mercy, and I fought with all my might to understand and run, but there was no escape. That is when some of my good faith was destroyed, something that recently has completely devolved. Ive never put a lot of reliance on Divine providence, but that experience taught me that these beings do not necessarily care, and that whatever caused this was not a good thing.

Then in about 2016, after being knocked down again and again, I finally got through retracing my past deeds and figuring if this was a curse for being a bad kid. I worked through my unkind behavior, I recognized that I had corrected myself with Lawfulness before this happened, and I decided to be confident enough not to be depressed about this situation. I was then put on welbutrin, which helped a great deal to get out of bed (I have spent long months in bed multiple times, this has been so debilitating).

I got up. I forced myself to read philosophy, and really take on mysticism and religion and spirituality- something I had been trying and failing at over and over through all of this. I found understanding of religious process, I found understanding of hope and working with fate, and invisible creatures, I found understanding of words, and the influence and meaning of them. I had to fight for my mind and my intelligence, whereas before, I simply took for granted that I understood- but through the course of this battle, realized that I did not know. In the end, today, I see that I did understand, but that being struck by the invisible, unknown powers made me doubt that I did. I fought to know, and this knowledge is fragile, but due to my realizing how insane and nonsensical it all has been, I am protected by a secret madness- but for now, am not mad.

So why am I still insane? Well first there is the affliction of my mind, which is still going on, but I am not obsessing about it. There is my ideas of reality- which are actually rather rational, except that I believe in invisible influences and wonder at their origin, and what they are after- and this is what emotionally damages me, for it is depressing to dwell upon. Then there is the intellectual efforts I have invested, and I have arrived at an impasse that sees things in a depressive light- and it doesn't help that I am totally isolated from people, so interaction with people cannot get me out of this darkness. I see the dark, and the light, and I know that there is no defeating Chaos, and that Law is somewhat malleable, and that we will always struggle with our environment, and our choices. With every new born child, this process begins again. This depresses me, because I had naively hoped to impact the world positively, which is why I post my journey online for people to investigate. I am insane because I am stranded here with two points of view: duty and desire, and I have nothing more to say right now. This is our conflict, our sorrow and joy are surrounded by these things, and Im floored. I look at the world and see what we chase, and what we neglect, and all I can do is sit in sorrow and despair. Hopefully this will change.

The really annoying thing about my condition right now is that I believe I have a spirit in me that will answer my questions. I do have one, but it doesn't always respond, and I think it will talk to me all the time, so I trick myself into believing opinions that are not real. I am trying to stop this, because it makes me see untruth, as well as possible truth, but mostly, it is untrue and the truth I imagine is only possible, and not even probable. I know when these spirits answer, because they violently take over my body to respond.

So what do I know? I know that spirits interact with us in ways we don't realize. I know that life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, and I know that we should honor life, and those around us. I know that people falter in this design, and that we condemn them for it, and I know this is wrong, but helping them is not easy- they first need to help themselves. We help them by writing books and music and having conversations, and especially- by example.

Ive fought hard to understand all of this, and all the ways we communicate and fool ourselves, and hurt one another, and Im reaching a point that is healthy, at last. Perhaps one day I will invent something that will make understanding come easier to us. For now, I am wondering what I can say about duty and desire.

Thanks. Yeah, I went pretty mad. I couldn't help it tho- my mind had a Will of its own. Actually the voices in my head weren't really mean or anything, but their constant activity, and my constant pursuit of what I was chasing, led me to bouts of insanity. I cant quite describe it well because it was so intense, and there was so much of it. It felt like being raped, though- for years. Things are quiet now and I am living with the quiet fear that it will return, so I spend all my time sitting without thinking, or reading- which is very difficult to endure and to perform. Im basically a vegetable- or maybe a slice of ham. Its very dangerous for me to think.

So its been 47 years of life, and I finally feel like I have an "education". I fought hard for this, fought against armies of Demons. Thing is Im sitting here realizing that Im about 20 years behind still. I don't know if I have the strength to go on. Unfortunately the things that are being changed in todays world don't have anything to do with white men exactly, except that white men need to recognize everyone else- something I already did. The particulars of oppression to women and other races isn't my forte- Im not one of them, but Ill listen.

Hard to find thoughts today. Cant really formulate ideas. I mostly lay in bed, as has been the usual for months now. Hard to find a reason to get up. Everythings been taken away. I wish I could work, or had the money and strength to go volunteer- to get out of my mind, even though my mind is not afflicting me right now, its a lonely place to sit in these days. Hard living on so little. Hard to have so little. No one needs me, I don't mean much to anyone or anything, and what does anything really mean to anyone anyway? I tell myself to try and enjoy each day for being a day- that there doesn't have to be any "meaning" in it, but my wandering sick mind forgets and starts to obsess on something else. Im alone and I have no purpose, and no power or ability or resources to find one. There is one little sliver of me that believes I can write about Wisdom, but my mind is so cluttered and destroyed and against me that I don't know how to do that. Any impulse is attacked, so I lay defeating the impulses. Im a stain, a cadaver. The walking dead.

I realized last night Ive been bleeding out all over the internet for almost two decades. I was looking at the state of my life and realized that Ive made it into some joke or nothing, its not nothing, its my life. Ive suffered so greatly, and I don't know if it comes across, but its been Hell, and Im making it into something that doesn't reflect how serious its been for me. I have to stop